The other day I came back home late. I had been working the whole day and we had had a busy weekend with my partner and were both feeling a bit under the weather. Feeling tired and a little bit unwell I just wanted to take a shower, have some dinner and relax, when I saw my partner entering the room and starting to prepare something for himself too.
We are both quite different — When he’s enjoying himself, being relaxed and doesn’t mind if it’s messy, I myself love having everything clean and things in order.
Knowing that, I thought it might be easier if I just tidied up after him, so that I could start my dinner from a clean table. However because of the low state of mind I was in I couldn’t help but letting something come out of my mind that sounded very much like complaining.
Without getting too much into the details, for this my partner responded in a way which of course added more fire into our conversation.
Now if I didn’t know where we were both coming from, I might have created this big issue in my mind, how we were just too different for each other. However knowing that we were both stressed, experiencing a low level of thinking allowed me take the whole argument more light-heartedly.
— And after a good night sleep continue enjoying our relationship, embracing our differences and the ability to complete each other, instead of seeing our differences as a problem.
The most common reason for problems we experience in our relationships
This little story is a perfect example of the most common reason for the problems we experience in our relationships — Which is stress.
When we are feeling any kind of stress — we are busy, tired or sick — we can easily lose our perspective and create problems where there’s none. We lose our ability to see the moment clearly and to get into the other person’s shoes. What the other person says or does may hurt us and instead of seeing where they are coming from, we begin to take everything personally.
We become more reactive and say and do things that we really don’t mean — Something that we easily regret later — And our problems begin to look bigger than they truly are.
However if we look closely, what most of the time happens is that these problems we experience, we only see as a problem when we are feeling stressed. Just like I was experiencing our differences as a problem when I was feeling tired and stressed, when my mind calmed down I began to appreciate these same differences again.
The state of mind where your problems exist
Whenever we experience a problem when it comes to our relationships we always feel stress in some level and our thinking is limited. The problem we are experiencing exists in this level of our thinking.
If we look closely this problem looks different to us depending on the state of mind we are experiencing. When we have our moods — feel anxious, stressed disappointed and sad — our problems look bigger to us than what they truly are. When our mind calms down and our level of thinking shifts we always begin to see these same challenges in a new light. Many times they completely disappear, and if not at least the situation stops looking so hopeless.
Rather than thinking that there are these tangible problems we have, I want you to shift your focus to see that your problems exist only in certain levels of state of mind. When our mind calms down and our state of mind shifts, we always begin to see solutions instead of problems.
Recognizing this allows us to see more of the illusionary nature of our problems. We can recognize that for us to overcome the problems we have, we need to stop concentrating on them and look to a completely different direction to find our solutions — Or rather allow ourselves to see our situation from a state of mind where we stop experiencing our challenges as problems.
Deeper understanding as a key for finding solutions
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” — Albert Einstein
It’s normal that we all experience problems from time to time when it comes to our relationships. However understanding that the real reason for our problems is not out there allows us to relate to the problems we experience more gracefully.
It always looks like the problems are out there — Until our mind quiets down and we begin to see things more in perspective again. This allows us to see that there really are no problems. As hard as it might be sometimes to admit to ourselves.
There might be changes we want to make, but when our level of thinking shifts and the level of stress we experience lowers downs, we begin to see these changes we want to make as something that simply makes sense to us, instead of as solutions we desperately need.
A deeper understanding what’s going on is the key for shifting our focus from our problems to seeing our situation in a new light and allowing the right solutions come to us. Our thinking quiets down and we naturally become more understanding, compassionate and loving. We begin to see the bigger picture, take things less personally, understand where the other person is coming from and we become less reactive.
This allows us to stay more in our wellbeing, see our relationships with more clear eyes and be grateful for what we have — Instead of getting too caught up in our thinking, and focusing on the things we think that are stopping us from being happy when it comes to our relationships.
Whenever our mind quiets downs and we let go of our problems, we either begin to see our situation in a new light and our problems disappear — Or if there’s still something to solve our focus shifts naturally from our problems to finding solutions and making the changes that make sense to us.
Having good relationships naturally
This understanding that I’ve shared has allowed me to experience a huge difference when it comes to the quality of my relationships.
Instead of putting my energy on overcoming the problems I experience in my low level of thinking and when feeling stressed, I have been able to simply allow my thinking to shift and my problems to disappear. I have become more understanding and forgiving, recognizing that none of us functions well, when we are under stress.
Having good relationships is our natural state of being when we self stop standing on our own way. When we stop working on things, that we don’t really need to work on and that only keeps us longer in our low level of thinking, we begin to experience more effortless relationships.
We begin to see how there’s nothing we really need to do to have those loving relationships we want to experience, but the more we come from the place of understanding and love, the more our relationships also start to take this direction.
This doesn’t mean that I may not sometimes ask the other person to be more mindful — No, I may do that if it makes sense to me — However recognizing that my happiness or the quality of our relationships doesn’t depend on these things, makes all the difference.
Recognizing this allows us to see more how loving and effortless relationships are natural for us. The more our understanding deepens and we begin to see through the illusionary nature of our problems, the more our thinking can quiet down, our problems disappear and the more we can begin to see the beauty in our relationships. The more we can begin to enjoy these wonderful relationships we already have.
Thank you for reading the post. If it awakened any questions or insights I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.